[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
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Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
The point of your 20s
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo