Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
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X-tra spooky blend
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.