That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
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Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
#Caturday
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville