WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
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Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Spring of Deception
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Self-cleaning conscience
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.