My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
You Might Also Like
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.