Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
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I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL