[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
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After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.