For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
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[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
translated into Canadian
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home