Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
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*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.