“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
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i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*