Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
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This made me chuckle.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Taliband
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it