My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
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cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT