Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
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cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
dictator is short for richard potato
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.