Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy