me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
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I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated