Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
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School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
absolute chaos
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.