god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
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You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
What the hell happened here.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice