“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
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[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
He wanted to make sure😂
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?