If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
You Might Also Like
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Owl Sanctuary
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.