You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
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[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Meow?
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?