Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
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We need to put an American base on the sun
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly