EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
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her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn鈥檛 come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
*at the pond*
“hon鈥攖here’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
馃幎Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me馃幎
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal 鈩笍
male coworker: how鈥檚 it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you鈥檙e not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we鈥檙e scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed