ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
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“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.