If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
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hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
A roof is a house hat.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.