Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
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DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband