[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
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Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Nomnomnomnom
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry