Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
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Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today