*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
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Venn
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Yup.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.