*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
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my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro