A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
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her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Good dog. ❤️
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow