At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
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You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.