“What?”
– Jude
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Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
This raises questions
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife