“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
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I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
This January has 47 Mondays
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.