One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
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On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.