Lmaoo 😂
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Bill is short for Billiam
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box