My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
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If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.