My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
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Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
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