The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
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I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.