How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
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It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.