I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
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My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
i hope my email finds you on fire
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.