Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
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The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.