HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
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coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
*exercises sarcastically*
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Kids, do not try this at home!
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk