Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
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j o i m p
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.