Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
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If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I would like even faster food.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it