Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
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My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.