Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
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Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Van Gone
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Netflix and awkward silence?
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.