Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
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We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes