*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
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This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Who called it baking and not making love
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I have never related to a cat more
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.