[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
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My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.