[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
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The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and itâs coming from your roof.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
When I snag the last meatball.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Danielâs at the bar?
Me: Youâd finally go to bed on time.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the đł symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Thinking about writing an online essay titled âFog doesnât have a specific smellâ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:âŚ
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isnât real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like âmy client deserves more payâ and âmy client is really good at his jobâ and âi love my client so much does he look taller?â
Thereâs a fine line between âI slept greatâ and âwhat did I do to my neck?â
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: youâre going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: Iâm not going to scream âSTRANGER! DANGER!â or call 911
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.